Sunday, January 23, 2011

I don't want to press Publish.

I don't know how to write this, so I think I'm just going to let it all come tumbling out.

I was in an abusive relationship. I thought I could "save him". I was stupid and stayed for way too long, and it changed me forever. But in some good ways because one of the things it has made me do is face the real reason why I accepted this treatment for Why I lived in agony and thought that it was okay. And most importantly making sure that I never betray myself like that again. Because really? It's not about what the other person did to me, that's his problem. I realize now and will forever that how someone treats you is really just a projection of how they feel about themselves. He was broken inside and he wanted to break me too.

So I fled home to family and friends. And I felt like I was safe and warm. But I find myself facing something I thought I had left behind.

(Side note: I always feel like the word abuse is so ugly and so serious that I can't use it unless someone else validates it. Like someone has to come in with a lab coat and a clipboard and stamp a big red X on a form before I can be allowed to throw the A word around...)

There is someone in my life, someone who I cannot avoid daily, who is emotionally abusive. It's someone who is related to me and intertwined in my life in a way so that I cannot cut them out. I want SO BADLY to unlock our orbits and tell the person to peace off, but how, when other people you love are crying and begging for you to work on the situation?

And in the greater scheme of things, who gets to decide what is abusive? Is it subjective or are there guidelines? Can someone who feels they are being mistreated judge fairly? Does it depend on the one doing the hurting and how much? Is it a group decision from people around the two? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm genuinely confused. At what point can someone say I'm done and be respected for it? If these were physical blows I'm pretty sure my loved ones would be outraged but it's just words and actions so there are mostly responses of irritation and the idea that we need to sit down and talk it out.

I'm tired.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the definition of abuse is like the legal definition of harassment: it's valid as soon as someone feels abused. I'm sorry you are forced to be around this person - my mother is an emotional hysterical roller-coaster that I can't get away from and it puts strain on me, my personality & my relationships.
    You're not going to please everyone in the family; but if they can't support what you know is best for you that is their problem, not yours.
    I hope things get better, Lo. I really, really do.