Saturday, August 21, 2010

I hate the word panties with a burning passion of life.

Look there is no delicate way to introduce this topic so let's just jump in. I want to talk to you about going commando. The short version of this post is do it, and do it often. I'm serious- give the little lady (or small sir for my gentlemen readers) some fresh air every once in a while. It's still summer, would it kill you to fly free for an afternoon every once in a while?

Coincidentally my underwear policies are very similar to how I feel about being in a long-term relationship.

Leave the underwear at home for the day.
Leave the boyfriend at home for the night.

You should spend time apart every once in a while and see the world. And then when you are together again there will be new stories for you to share. (Okay okay so your lady bits probably don't really have much to SAY to your undies but you get what I'm saying.) But seriously. You're supposed to be in a relationship, not training to be a barnacle.

Nobody ever needs ugly underwear.
Nobody ever needs to date an asshole.

I have a big problem with this. I give my underwear personalities in my head and then next thing I know I'm staging popularity contests with my damn undergarments...
"Well everyone knows the Thongs don't like to be worn on Tuesdays because they're way too pretty for just another day at work, so Plain Boyshorts can fill in. Nobody cares about them, they never bother to put on makeup or anything anyway."

Yes, this confirms that I'm kind of psycho but don't lie- you slightly do this too. Maybe not the assigning social ranks to pieces of fabric you use to cover your butt but STILL, you know you only wear certain undies on the weekends or when you have a date. Stop it! Tuesdays can be cool too and you're making the regular ones feel bad. This goes for dating also. Why do (us) girls settle for the loser they met in the corner of a bar just so to say they have a boyfriend? Get some friends and some hobbies and tell nosy people, "Yes, in fact I'm dating someone wonderful at the moment... MYSELF." Batteries are cheaper than movie tickets is all I'm sayin'. <- This is 90% a letter to myself by the way.

Please never say 'panties'.
Please never call him your 'hubby'.

Look, I hope I'm not offending you if you are one of THOSE people who ever types or (PLEASE tell me people don't really do this...) uses the word hubby or hubs in real life. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at society. They've slowly conditioned you to think that this is a perfectly acceptable thing to call that man you promised to have and to hold til death do you part.

However my goal here is to break you of that terrible habit. You know when one of your friends points out that an actress in a movie you're watching has a lazy eye and for the next hour all you can do is stare at her face and it ruins the whole movie? And then whenever someone mentions the actress or movie all you can think about are mismatched peepers and it drives you crazy? Times that by 100 is how I feel when I encounter people chronically unable to finish saying the word Husband.

Reasons why the word Hubby needs to be stopped at all cost:
1. It sounds like chubby. You're calling the love of your life something that rhymes with a word for fat.
2. This then reminds me of a certain Ben & Jerry's flavor which is disgusting. Vanilla malt flavored ice cream= waste of perfectly good straight to thigh calories.
3. You're being lazy with a syllable. A SYLLABLE. The time it takes to finish the word husband is infinitely shorter than the time I will hate your face in my mind after you shorten a TWO SYLLABLE WORD.

P.S. Doesn't it hurt your mouth to form the word 'panties'? Because it hurts my brain. Also the word moist should only be used to describe cakes.

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