Friday, August 6, 2010

The doctor literally recommended I tape my eye shut to sleep.

I have been feeling sicky and having weird symptoms in my head regions all week and after crying to my mother that I had a brain tumor and would she please promise to cremate me and turn me into a coral reef (this exists and I really do want it) after my face and I died, way too many times, I went to a health professional.

Full disclosure- I'm sort of a hypochondriac. What starts out as a cough will quickly turn to full blown tuberculosis on my watch. For fun I like long walks on the beach, and self diagnosing minor ailments based on nothing more than random House episodes I've watched and a half-assed WebMD search or two.

So I went to a CVS Minute Clinic (not having health insurance makes you do desperate things) and the lady stuck a flashlight in my various face parts and then proceeded to blame it all my wisdom tooth. Which clearly meant she had no clue what was wrong with me because this is my last wisdom tooth standing and we have an agreement. He won't fuck with me like his other 3 brothers did & I'll let him live in my mouth rent free. So I wrote her off as useless until she left me with gold: "But it's definitely something neurological."

WHAAAAAT. Lady, you do not know what you just gave me. You opened the door to an endless supply of horrific illnesses I can wail about. STROKES, COMAS AND TUMORS OH MY! I went to work, cheerfully shared my medical drama with co-workers, got full on kicked in the shin within 5 minutes of arriving on grounds and then the left side of my face took a vacation.

Now I'm all about PRETENDING I have the black plague or diabetes, but I don't actually enjoy not being able to blink or starting to smile lopsided IN REAL LIFE. So off to a real doctor I went and after explaining my ridiculous symptoms to like 8 people, ("Miss, the notes we have here say something about your face feeling funny?" CLOSE but you forgot the whole it's PARALYZED part...) we figured out I've had Lyme Disease and didn't know it which then caused Bell's palsy aka the sudden onset of me looking like Sloth from the Goonies. 

Somehow I had missed a humongous red rash in the shape of a target on my upper thigh/ crotchital region which means that a tick essentially bit me on the vagina and now the moral of this story is twofold:

Firstly, the most action I got this summer came from an insect,
See this as my public service announcement to inspect your hoo-ha every once in a while... I know I will.


  1. Is it bad that I laughed when I found out the cause?

    Speaking from an hypochondriac myself, I am glad you found the actual cause. Hope you get to feeling better asap. :)

  2. I've never read a "Ooh I've got Lyme Disease and Bells Palsy" story and chuckled. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you but I'm glad you are able to humor us with your tale. I'm checking my hoo-ha immediately!

    Take care of yourself!!


  3. We are peas in a pod ~ I go to the WORST CASE SCENARIO EVER as soon as I feel any sort of ailment. Sorry to learn about your hoo-ha =O