Dear people outside my window,
It is 2am. I'm glad you had a good time at the bar, I hope you got that hottie's number- they were totally checking you out. Yes I think you're pretty, but listen for a second. I know you're drunk and all, but do you have to scream?
Okay, okay you have to scream. I get it. Sometimes after all those Long Islands you forget to use your inside voice. Fine, I forgive you. But did you REALLY have to gather your crew of 20 BEST FRIENDS FOREVERRRRRRRR that you just met in the bar bathroom and lead them in a rousing chorus of some song that you're making up on the spot? In another language that you may or may not be also making up? At the highest decibel level your vocal chords can manage?
That was a rhetorical question... You know, one of those ones that you don't have to answer. Whatever, please stop trying to hug me, what I'm TRYING TO SAY here is that you're unnecessarily loud. MORE LOUD does not equal more fun. You'll probably realize that tomorrow when anything louder than a cotton ball makes you want to vomit.
Just so you know, I am in the early stages of battle with a cold and would appreciate if you made it possible for me, my blanket and my mug of tea to watch Forensics Files in relative peace. I like my murder to happen on TV, not in my imagination every time I hear you shriek something like, "Why doesn't he LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE??"*
Also, while you're out, would you mind letting the taxi cabs know that honking does NOT in fact open up a magical yellow brick road to high paying fares? Tell them I PROMISE everyone tried last week and all they got were the usual girls with messy makeup and frat boys vomiting like the rest.
Love you, mean it. See you next weekend?
*This absolutely happened tonight. I felt bad for her (we've all been there) and wanted to throw her a cupcake from my second floor window, but realized that probably would not go over well no matter my intentions.
Just to make it clear- I'm all about having a good time. I'm slightly jealous I'm stuck on this couch right now. However, I think that certain sounds should only come out of your body for certain reasons. For example: Shrieking= used in times of terror NOT to convey how much you like that girl's shoes.