Saturday, November 20, 2010


I'm running on four hours of sleep and have to get ready for a birthday party tonight so here is a condensed version of my latest celebrations.

For National AIDS Awareness Month I got HIV tested. If you're a hypochondriac/ overly dramatic that shit is never fun. Even if you "know" you've been safe or everyone you ever laid a finger on was just tested yesterday that waiting time sucks. Because really you NEVER KNOW and then while you're waiting for them to call back you start having all these nightmarish visions of your entire life changing and oh my GOD WHAT WOULD I DO? HOW WOULD I TELL MY FAMILY? WHY ARE PENISES SO DANGEROUS? (P.S. This is also reason #450 why I'm glad my mother doesn't read this.)
So anyway, I went in to the doctors office to get a physical and various vaccinations and shots (and shell out a good chunk of my bank account), and was introduced to the new HIV testing that only takes 30 minutes. Hooray! Only 30 minutes- surely I can't fit in too many panic attacks during that short window of time right? So I cheerily swiped the little plastic swizzle stick around my mouth and gave it to the nurse (double YAY no blood!) and she reassured me that she was sure I was fine (Which I know she meant to be nice but is that not the stupidest thing to say to someone??) and left. Except too bad first she dialed up a little plastic timer and LEFT ME ALONE IN THE EXAM ROOM WITH THE TICKING.
JESUS woman, why don't you just have a large hourglass with skulls or something? Maybe a raven cackling in the corner? Turn off the lights on the way out so I have nothing but a paper gown and my thoughts to accompany me? I felt like I was in the Telltale Heart. But thankfully once again my worrying was for nothing and all is well. I promptly left and bought myself a cupcake on my way to work.

So go get tested but bring an ipod and some headphones.

I'm probably not going to get to National Pomegranate month. In case I don't- have you tried the Chobani Pomegranate yogurt? It's gross. I wanted it to be delicious but not so much. That's all I got. Any pomegranate things I should know?

National Bundt Pan Day- I've realized I don't actually own a bundt pan. Sad because I wanted to make this.

I'll squish some American Indian Heritage and Peanut Butter Lover's month celebrations in next week. Probably.

Also I have the house to myself this week and you know what I've done so far? Bake 2 batches of brownies, a batch of cookies and looked up recipes for cheddar bacon scones. I'm an animal really is what I'm trying to say.

Also I won an award! I think it's clear that the lovely lady who gave it to me (Cindy over at The Martha Complex) is just nice, because she obviously has never seen my uber fancy outfits of yoga pants and clogs but I'll take it anyway. I'm not tagging anyone else because I'm exceptionally lazy so feel free to steal away and keep the chain going (I never ever felt any guilt at being the one to break those chain letters in middle school either in case you wondering.)

I have to share 7 things about myself so here goes. (I put this at the end for a reason- feel free to skip my chronic oversharing of the day.)

1. I am constantly in a state of dehydration or about to pee on myself. There is pretty much no happy medium. I'll either shank you for a glass of water or pee on your lawn. I'm terrible to take road trips with.

2. I hate organs. Blood, vomit, broken bones etc. don't freak me out (just to be clear they don't exactly DELIGHT me either) but hearing about, seeing, or anything related to things like intestines (I had to close my eyes for a minute just typing that) or those slimy things that reside in your abdomen make me want to die. I used to have to leave biology in high school when we started talking about it- I prefer to imagine that there's just a solid mass of body and not a great pile of smushy delicate things all entangled... OH MY GOD I'm done with this one.

3. I'm fiercely defensive of my curls. I don't straighten it, I rarely put any product in it, and one of my relationship deal breakers is if someone likes my hair better straight than curly. They'll have to LOVE my curly hair.

4. I was once verbally berated by a woman in a nail salon for how hairy my eyebrows were. It's a ridiculous story that made one of my friends laugh so hard she threw up when I told her and one day I'll get a couple drinks in me and make a video for you all because it's really best told with facial expressions. I have earned the nickname Mr. Man from it. So in short, I have forests growing above my eyes that demand maintenance.

5. Mayonnaise makes me want to throw things. I think it's on the top 10 list of terrible creations in the world. Like I hate it so much that if I were a super-hero, mayo would be my arch- nemesis.

6. I'm ridiculously superstitious. I refuse to wish people happy birthday before their actual birthday (bad luck for them), will walk into the street to make sure I don't split poles with anyone (means you will fight with that person) and wish on a star or 11:11 every single time I can. I blame my family for this.

7. I genuinely want to live in an airstream trailer, a houseboat and/or a tiny beach shack at some point in my life. I'm aiming for Key West in the next couple of years for at least a year or two.

Do you think I'm a TOTAL freak now? Do you have any of these weird habits too? More importantly, do you want to join my worldwide anti- mayonnaise crusade?

1 comment:

  1. I love the new HIV test!! I had one done a couple years ago and I was ready to quit my job and take my son and hit the road so I could enjoy the last months of my life. It was a REALLY long 3.5 weeks of being on edge of telling everyone how much I loved them. Good thing I didn't resort to telling them all that...

    I'm not a mayo person at all, but what do you put in your tuna to make a sandwich? It needs something!