I've come to the conclusion that most people do not understand the relationship between their bartender and themselves. Yes, I am here to serve you. DRINKS. I am NOT here to wash your feet and tell you you're beautiful or whatever other cockamamie things I think some people walk in expecting. I am wearing all black but there's a very good reason why I don't have a frilly white apron on top. I am not your maid. Here's just a few things you can do to make sure you're not forgetting this and acting appropriately:
1. Leave your napkin intact and under your glass. I put napkins under your drinks for a reason. We don't have to go into a science lesson here as to why your glass will sweat and leave water all over the bar just trust me and LEAVE THE DAMN NAPKIN UNDER THE GLASS. I've seen it happen before okay? So if you need another one I will gladly give it to you. In fact, I've conveniently placed an entire stack right here within arms reach. Are you scared that I'll be mad if you reach for another? Wait until my back is turned, I don't count them I swear. Well unless you're taking one to absentmindedly shred, then I may in fact whack you with the nearest object because confetti and alcohol= not festive at all.
2. Push in your chair when you leave. I know this may be confusing considering the whole two dollar tip you just left me but I am not now contractually obligated to kiss your ass. So here's a little rule of thumb for you: Do you see this big slab of rock that separates us? You should not be coming up with reasons that make me walk around it. For example: Don't place your glasses and dirty silverware all the way on the other edge so that I can't reach. And seriously? PUSH IN YOUR CHAIRS! Why were you sitting that far out anyway? Your legs are not that long and this is not your den at home, stop trying to recline on the bar stools.
3. I do not hover. I don't know who taught you that bartenders are "best seen not heard" but they're stupid and were wrong. From now on remember to "get in where you fit in" and speak up, or suck on ice 'til the next time I come around. This means don't continue to talk about little Timmy's orthodontist troubles, or how badly typed Brenda at the office's quarterly reports are while I'm standing there. I'm not waiting breathlessly to hear the outcome of your mother's hip surgery, I'm mentally counting to thirty so it looks like I made an appearance before I go over to talk to my server friends. So press the pause button on your conversation, let me ask you if you want another drink, answer, and then continue on. You don't even have to look at me after that I promise.