Friday, March 27, 2009

Do they swim in all the undelivered packages like Uncle Scrooge?

I think UPS and FedEx delivery people must really enjoy their jobs. For the first part, their trucks are pretty cool. It must feel very badass to be driving around with no door. And don't they get to drive on the opposite side? I bet that feels like breaking the law.

But best of all for them, they get to have hours of fun at the expense of the little helpless minions who have to sit around waiting for their packages. The ridiculous delivery hours, "Oops I can't get into the building- even though you're home", and apparent inability to call or give you an estimated delivery time must be hours of fun. I understand that they have a lot of packages to deliver all over the place and that I can't expect them to get in the building whenever they want since my stupid leasing company refuses to fix the call box, but I can't understand the extreme variances in delivery times without the explanation that they're just slightly evil once they put those uniforms on.

To prove my point, we'll compare the past 2 packages I've been waiting on.

Package #1:
First delivery attempt Apparently they stopped by at like 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Respectable enough. I was at work so there was no chance of this happening. In retrospect, this was probably just to lure me into a false sense of security, or how they pick out their victims. But at this point I was still optimistic that perhaps we would meet tomorrow.

Second delivery attempt This time they try at like 8 am and couldn't get in. Fine. Irritating cause I was home, (granted, I was totally sleeping but still...) but I call the customer service number. When I ask if I can give them my number so the delivery driver can just call and tell me when he's here, they say they can't... Because they can't be sure the driver has a phone. What? Does he also have to drive the truck with his feet and wear animal print? Last time I checked this was 2009 and we were in Atlanta not Bedrock so you might want to get your drivers some of those fancy things called CELL PHONES. The Antonio Banderas sounds-a-like on the phone probably heard the mounting panic in my voice and tells me I can just leave the tag outside asking him to leave the package. Even though I live right in the middle of one of the busier areas and a package on the front step seems pretty inviting for the taking, it looked like this was one of my only choices. Antonio assures me the delivery will probably go down at around the same time as yesterday. I feel like I'm planning a sting operation just to get my package. The drop will go down at approximately 0700 hours.

It's the crack of dawn and I have officially turned into a stalker. Even though I usually don't get out of bed until 12 these days, I am setting my alarm for 30 minute increments so I can crawl over and check to make sure the tag I left on the door is still there aka nobody has snatched my package. I am also hopping out of bed everytime I hear a rumble that COULD be a brown van carrying the goods. Now to put this into perspective, I live surrounded by 4 restaurants and 5 nightclubs. And less than 50 feet from the loading docks of 2 major hotels. Now can you please imagine just how many different delivery trucks chug past on an average day?
Fast forward to later that night and even after seeing 2 delivery trucks drive by my house (both times in my head I imagined the driver slowing as he passed my apartment and then throwing back his head and laughing maniacally as he stepped on the gas) there has been NO package delivery. NONE. Fake Antonio Banderas has failed me.
Third delivery attempt I have mentally prepared myself for another day of disappointment, so I refuse to play the game and am peacefully sleeping when my phone goes off. It's an unknown number and at first I just roll over but then my brain partially wakes up. Could it be? Not possible. But then there's a banging on the door and a man is screaming my name. I'm so excited about the fact that there is a real live package in front of me that I temporarily ignore the fact that not only did Antonio let me down yesterday he LIED because the mythical delivery men do in fact have cell phones, and even know how to use them!

I considered the saga of this delivery over. I got my package- the man wrote down the door code so next time they could just leave it by my door and everything seemed fine. Fast forward to my delivery from Threadless. They gave me a nice little tracking link which normally would be sweet but in this case only served to reawaken the stalking beast within. Everyday I checked it. And everyday I realized that this time, they were showing off their technological prowess and playing with my emotions... virtually.

Package #2
First delivery attempt I have no knowledge of it actually happening until later because THE DELIVERY MAN LEAVES NO TAG. Also, I was home. What are they doing with the door code I gave them? But more importantly, is there a reason why the delivery attempt went down without leaving a trace? Are they opening a new tactical branch whereby they serve as ninjas in their off time? The economy is bad afterall- some people have resorted to moonlighting.

Second delivery attempt It's my day off and I am home all day. I have been able to keep myself from going off the deep end as bad as last time, but I am stationed by the window and just happen to be facing the street and just happen to have the blinds moved over slightly so I have a clearer view. Eventually I give up my watch and go out with a friend. I guess I just assumed that this was going to be a continuance of the previous pattern of 'attempt the delivery and then when the customer is ready and waiting take a day off'. After all, certainly they would have at least left a tag this time right? Well this is where the UPS men teach me that when I assume, I make an ass out of just myself...
Later that night, I idly log on to the tracking site, mostly out of stalking habit, and I see they tried to deliver fifteen minutes before I got home. This means they tried to deliver the package at 8:30 at night. EIGHT THIRTY IN THE EVENING? Seriously- aren't most of the UPS people tucked into their brown beds with visions of package filled vans dancing in their heads by then?

I give up. Maybe if I submit to the delivery gods they will have pity on me and just give me my damn package. I'm off to burn some stamps or whatever it is they like in sacrifice.

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